‘NO TOOLS LEFT IN VAN OVERNIGHT’ is the familiar sticker on white vans up and down the country. It rarely has its desired effect, of course. A van with this message is probably more likely to be burgled than one left completely blank.
As soon as a tradesperson adds Trusted Trader, Gas Safe, Checkatrade, ECA, TrustMark or any other accreditation onto his vehicle, he’s probably increasing his chances of some wanker breaking into his van and nicking everything with a plug on it, before selling the lot for beer money at the next car boot sale.
So here’s an alternative to the please-rob-me white van favoured by painters, builders and plumbers across the UK.
The green lights are probably a bit over the top. A silly personalised number plate is optional. You certainly won’t want your phone number on the side. The key bits are 1) it’s a black van with no windows, and 2) it has PRIVATE AMBULANCE on it, which as everyone knows is a more acceptable way of announcing that this is a hearse with a dead body in it.
Now who’s going to break into that in the hope of finding the odd pipe bender or concrete grinder?
Pic courtesy Ivan Barefield on Twitter.
BraveNewMalden 
This is an excellent idea. I’m going to suggest that my husband paints his white Ford (as opposed to any other makes of) Transit van black, before labelling it a hearse. It is likely to prevent the local Mitcham wankers from attempting to break into it whilst parked right outside our (my in-laws’) house.
Speaking of wankers, this appears to be the only post on your blog filed under this tag. Is this likely to be remedied?
I’d rather not attract the ‘wrong’ sort of reader, Fiona.
I’m here. You probably already have.
Subtext1: You’d rather not attract the wrong sort of wanker
Subtext2: Too late, I’ve been hanging around here, of and on, for some years.