The London Dossier dossier

In 2006, my friend Adam had the unenviable task of going through the belongings of his recently-deceased father, John Liddell. John was a talented artist from Bournemouth and, when I was growing up, the guy that most kids who knew him wanted for a dad or eccentric uncle. A top bloke and still very much missed. His obituary was featured in or or two of the nationals.

That's Twiggy you can see through the keyhole.

Amongst his enormous collection of books was a paperback called Len Deighton’s London Dossier, a guide to London compiled by master-spywriter Len Deighton (The IPCRESS File, Funeral in Berlin) and published just as the swinging sixties was getting into full, er, swing.

Bournemouth-based Adam gave the book to me, reasoning that as I’d made London my home for the past 40 years I might find it interesting from a historical perspective.

Indeed I did. The book described a London that was both reassuringly familiar and strangely alien.

Its famous landmarks hadn’t changed much, of course. The Old Bailey was still the Old Bailey, just a slightly less Old Bailey. And the London Dossier isn’t really that kind of guide book anyway. Instead, its chapters have headings such as Food, Drink, Teenagers, Underworld and Children, and it is here that we learn that the London of 1967 isn’t so much a different city as a different country.

For example, did you know that if you fancied a pint of Holstein back then, you had to make your way to the Bunch of Grapes in Victoria? This wasn’t just because it was the only pub that served draught Holstein. It was the only pub that served draught lager full stop.

(You could get bottled lagers. They were invariably kept on the cold shelf, which was invariably warm.)

Elsewhere, we learn that children could be dumped off at free playcentres while their parents went shopping, that London’s gourmet Mods liked to hang out at The Golden Egg and that if a boatman fished up a dead body he received 7s 6d if it was on the south side and just 6s on the north.

How strange that sounds these days. ‘Boatman’.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading the book and figured that maybe other people would enjoy reading it too. So I put it on eBay.

Big mistake. Within days of posting it off to the successful bidder, I regretted my decision to sell. Not because of the amount it fetched, but because I felt that it deserved a wider audience. And it was just a nice thing to own.

I remember droning on about my profound sense of loss at one of the pub quizzes organised by the people at Kudocities, the London knowledge exchange where everyone’s witty and knowledgeable but never actually uses the site. Kudocities member Beagleskin, aka guerrilla knitter Deadly Knitshade, clearly felt that the only way to shut me up about this was to find me another copy. Which, to my utter surprise and delight, she duly did. tips hat

Me and the book were now reunited. Maybe even the same one I had sold earlier; who knows. But this time I was determined to share its story with a wider audience. But how?

Step forward Lindsey Clarke, co-editor of The Londonist. She had been encouraging me to write something for The Londonist, a kind of online Time Out, for some time. Now I had the ideal material.

So starting in February 2010, the Londonist’s many fans and subscribers have been able to read about the London of 1967 through a weekly chapter-by-chapter summary. Judging from the feedback, people seem to like it.

If you don’t intend to track down your own copy but are interested in reading how London was perceived in 1967 by writers such as Milton Shulman, Spike Hughes, Nick Tomalin as well as Len Deighton himself, catch up with the story so far by clicking here.

Then keep up with further instalments by following The Londonist on Twitter or becoming a Facebook fan.

Ta-ta, me old chinas.

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Brian Clough in the shower

It’s amazing what you can find in the attic.

Some years ago and as a result of my daughter’s school project, we discovered that the we were living in a house that used to be occupied by one John Seargent Noble. The name meant nothing to me, but a census from 1881 showed that he was a painter.

We wondered if he had been any good. Actually, we initially wondered whether he’d been a painter of pictures or of walls. But a call to the very helpful people at The Courtauld Institute confimed that he was a proper painter. We asked what kind of pictures he did.

“They’re very much of their time,” came the guarded reply. “They’re a bit chocolate-boxy by today’s standards.”

Hmm. We Googled the name and, sure enough, his work was bucolically wistful. Rural scenes of hunting-lite, heavy on the aah factor but otherwise unremarkable.

Pug and Dascshund. Don't ask me what the tin's all about.

That’s Noble’s style. Here’s another one:

'Foxhounds in a kennel'. Ahh. Isn't it?

He definitely wasn’t John Singer Sargent, the American painter with whom we briefly got him confused. Even so. We were living in a house that someone semi-famous had lived in.

Were we sitting on a gold mine? Or, rather, under one?

Did a suitcase like this contain lost masterpieces from the chocolate-box king?

We idly wondered whether he’d left any canvasses in the loft.

I’d been up to the loft before, mainly to check on all the boxes of crap that we’d paid people good money to bring from the loft of our previous house.

And I dimly recalled seeing a very old-fashioned suitcase up there, amongst all the other rubbish that the previous occupants had helpfully left behind. Old doors, metal cots, rolls of carpet. There was even an old train set up there. It didn’t date from Noble’s time, but it was certainly old. 1940s or 50s was my guess. Judging by the decrepit state of the railway tracks and the total absense of trains, it was still amazingly accurate.

I climb the rungs of riches into the attic of affluence and retrieve the trunk of prosperity. Hopefully.

It’s no easy feat getting stuff from the loft, a fact caused mainly by my aluminium extension ladder being too short to reach the loft’s access door. Instead of protruding up through the access door, the very top of the ladder falls about a foot short, and has to rest against the wall beneath the loft’s overhang.

Novel use for old ladders

Climbing in isn’t too bad, but getting out means having to judge where the top-most rung of the ladder is. Climbing down with one hand on a joist, the other holding a suitcase or whatever and with one foot gingerly feeling for a ladder rung when you’re nearly 4 metres above the ground is not the ideal way to spend your leisure time.

(The previous occupants had left an old wooden ladder behind, dated 1937, but I rashly converted that into a CD storage tower before realising that it would have been perfect as a loft ladder.)

The moment of truth

So I got to the loft and sure enough there was the suitcase. I shook it. There was stuff inside. Not clothes, judging by the hard, shuffly noise the contents made. And not, my mind dimly noted with relief, body parts. I heaved it down the ladder, then downstairs into the garden.

The catches needed a bit of WD40, but they clicked open pretty easily after that. I lifted the lid, and there inside were not any of the chocolate-box paintings I’d secretly been hoping for.

Instead, there were actual chocolate boxes. WTF? Chocolate box lids, to be more precise. Six or seven of them. Probably about 50 years old, judging by the Morris Minor parked outside the village Post Office and the Comet flying overhead. To say the scenes depicted on the lids were a bit, well, chocolate-boxy is stating the obvious. But, you know, why? Who thought it would be a good idea to finish the last Lime Barrell then say, I know, I’ll take the empty box up to the loft and store it in a suitcase up there? We will never know.

What was that about Brian Clough in the shower?

Oh yes. Sorry. So I was having a loft clear-out at the weekend and came across loads of old ads and brochures and stuff what I’d written over the years. They had to go, but not before I scanned in these ads that ran in the East Midlands of the UK in the late 1980s. They featured football manager Brian Clough as the acceptable, teetotal, non-sweary face of the East Midlands Electricity Board.

Swears alert

I remember the shoot, and saying to ‘Cloughie’ in a dull moment between shots, “I bet you could think of a few things you’d rather be doing, Mr Clough.” He replied with words that conveyed the impression he was in broad agreement. “Too fucking right. Advertising is a complete waste of fucking time and money; it’s fucking bollocks.”

Brian Clough and Bill Hicks. Peas in a pod.


Thanks for visiting and good luck with your bid. Hang on, wrong site…

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Comedians Scratching Their Heads

Why do so many comedians scratch their heads in publicity shots?

It’s a good pose for some comics. It says “No, I don’t know what it’s all about either; this crazy, mixed-up topsy-turvy world of ours. All I can do is help you see its absurdities and we can both have a good laugh in the process”.

It doesn’t work for every comedian. Some have personas that suggest they know enough about what’s going on in the world to take the piss out of it without any of that head-scratching preamble. Frankie Boyle, Dara Ó Briain and Rory Bremner, to take a few examples whose surnames begin with B. It would look plain wrong for someone like Stephen Fry to be pictured scratching his head, his screwed-up face conveying the thought “Life, eh?!! Kyuh! I don’t know, I really don’t!”

But for others, it generally suits their stage/screen/book jacket personalities very well. Not so sure about Iannucci, mind you. A full head of hair does seem to be an advantage.

IMG_0505

Eh? Richard Hearing has a slight problem with his herring


Ardal O’Hanlon has an itchy scalp


Lee Evans also has an itch. OK, so it’s not strictly a publicity shot.


Dylan Moran, scratching his head live on stage at the Apollo Theatre


Armando has a go but his heart’s not in it

It’s Mr Moran again! This time, the other side of his head needs a scratch.


Alan Davies mishears the photographer


Glenn Moore

The weight of all those watches holds Glenn back from a proper head scratch.


Jack Dee is such a master of the craft that he makes it look as if he’s merely resting his head. But he’s scratching it, believe me. Oh yes.

Andy Hamilton goes for the opposite-inverted head scratch. I think he pulls it off, don’t you? Not his head, obvs.

“I’ve got the itchiest head…in the world.”

That’s hardly scratching, Hardy.


“OK guys, where’s the microphone?” No wonder Jason Manford scratches his head.

It’s Simon Amstell, in perhaps one of the worst-cropped publicity shots ever. And he’s not even properly scratching his head.

Head, Simon, HEAD! That’s your neck. You’re just not trying.


This is someone called Jarred Christmas. He shouldn’t really be here. His head-scratching shows promise, but his stage name doesn’t.


The simple instruction to scratch his head leads to an existential crisis for Julian Clary.


Tiff Stevenson. Ironically, this is a JPG of TIFF. I have a TIFF of Jean-Paul Gaultier somewhere.


The lovely Alex Zane prepares to pull his head all the way off. Don’t do it, Alex.


Phil Wang isn’t so much scratching his head as making sure it’s balanced on his neck properly.


Chris doesn’t know where it’ll all end, he really doesn’t, what with one thing and another.


Am I a comedian or a presenter or both? Adrian Chiles ponders.

PJ O’Rourke is only pretending to be a bit clueless.

This is Roman Kemp, son of one of the Kemps you’ve heard of and current breakfast presenter at London’s Capital Punishment Radio

Joe Wilkinson

Joe Wilkinson

OK, this guy’s not a comedian. He’s the singer Jack Savoretti and he has itchus scalpus.

Also not strictly speaking a comedian. “Er, just one more thing, m’am..”

And a special mention for the guy who started it all. The consummate head-scratching professional. The head-scratcher’s head-scratcher. The head head-scratcher, etc etc.

A fine mess…on his scalp!!!!!11

And still they come…

Elijah Wood. Not a comedian as far as I know, but looking as if he wants to become one.

Kieran Culkin. Trying to think of a succession joke here, but I’m no comedian. My head’s not even itchy!

Better late than never, Ricky.
And here’s ‘the best worst one-liner comedian ever’, @WhoElseButAlf
He’s well worth a follow, btw.

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The rudeness gag

Chemical drums of the type that may have been used by Trafigura when they allegedly sprayed loads of Africans with horrible toxic loathsomeness

Chemical drums of the type that may have been used by Trafigura when they allegedly sprayed loads of Africans with horrible toxic loathsomeness

The alleged toxic-waste dumping trading company Trafigura has been in the news recently, along with the alleged press-freedom hating, injunction-loving writmeisters  Carter-Ruck & Partners.

You probably know the background. Carter-Ruck had obtained a ‘super injunction’ preventing The Guardian from reporting any details of a parliamentary question about its client (who turned out to be Trafigura), tabled by an MP (who turned out to be the Labour MP Paul Farrelly).

As the newspaper said: “The Guardian is prevented from identifying the MP who has asked the question, what the question is, which minister might answer it, or where the question is to be found.”

The paper was also forbidden from telling its readers why. Just that there were “legal obstacles, which cannot be identified, involving proceedings, which cannot be mentioned, on behalf of a client who must remain secret”.

Pretty comprehensive stuff. But Carter-Ruck’s injunction could have gone further, preventing the Guardian from disclosing the fact that it had been served with an injunction in the first place.

I know this, because a ‘supergag’ like this was once clamped around me. And not in an exciting alt.sex way.

Just what we all need. Another credit card

I’d picked up some freelance from a big American finance company who had recently set up operations here in the UK. My job was to write the copy for a direct mail pack that was to launch a new credit card. Yes, I know we all hate credit card mailings and that this makes me worse than Radovan Karadzic, but it was the recession, OK? (The previous recession, not this one. How I miss the previous recession.)

Oh, for the bucolic recessions of yesteryear. Image courtesy Picture post

Oh, for the bucolic recessions of yesteryear. Image courtesy Picture post

Anyway, this company had the bright idea of offering credit cards to all the people who previously had been refused a credit card. The client had bought mailing lists bulging with such unfortunates. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that these people might have been refused a credit card for a very good reason. Perhaps for one of the following:

  • They were profligate fools who had run up enormous debts then tried to hide or run away
  • They were convicted felons or permanent residents of mental institutions
  • They had no money. Literally, no money at all. Really, really bad risks
  • They were bankrupts or had county court judgments against them
  • They were all of the above, and what’s more they share more neurological characteristics with molluscs than with sentient humans

That’s what I thought too. Still, I wasn’t going to suggest anything like that to the client. “You want to offer a credit card to people who you know for a fact are amongst the worst credit risks in history? Are you fucking mad?” I wish I’d said that. Or even “OK, but you do realise that a strategy like this is financially unsustainable and, around 15 years from now, will help bring down the entire global economy? Just thought I’d mention that before we talk about whether you want a 4-page leaflet or a 6-page roll-fold.”

Instead I wrote the mailpack and, in my own small way, contributed to the inception of the great steaming pile of shit we currently find ourselves wading through.

Reader’s voice: Can we get to the bit about the gag now?

Of course. So, as part of my contract with the client I had to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, or NDA. A fairly standard document, signing it would merely confirm my undertaking to the client that I won’t tell the world what I’m working on or HOW UTTERLY STUPID IT IS.

But this NDA was a bit different. Because amongst all the clauses and subclauses was the injunction that I refrain from telling anyone that I

An example of an NDA. Hang on... curse my piss-poor typing!

An example of an NDA. Hang on... curse my piss-poor typing!

had signed the NDA. What did that mean? It meant that I couldn’t tell anyone what I was working on, and that I couldn’t tell them that I couldn’t tell them what I was working on.

So if, as would quite often happen, another freelancer were to ask what I was up to, the only permissible response would have been to stand there in total silence. It was gag-enforced rudeness.

Unless, of course, this client’s all-embracing NDAs were well known in the freelance community. In which case, a reaction of total silence would immediately signal to the questioner who you were working for, and they’d nod sympathetically. Learning about this, the company concerned might then have introduced another clause into the NDA:

6.3.0 (c) The Contractor shall not respond to enquiries about his/her current employment status with a period of sustained silence. Should the Contractor be quizzed to this effect, he/she should first deprive the questioner’s brain of oxygen until such time as the questioner does become dead before terminating his/her own life using any of the prescribed methods set out in Addendum 3.9, page xxiv.

You laugh but it could happen, according to a mentally unhinged conspiracy theorist I’ve just imagined.

In fact, the funniest thing about this whole episode occurred a few months later. I called the company to try and get a sample of my work and they said they couldn’t send me one.  Why ever not, I asked.  Apparently it was company policy not to supply ‘contractors’ with samples of their work. Er yes, but see my previous question: Why ever not? Confidentiality, they replied.

“Hang on,” I said, “you can’t send me samples of my own work because it’s confidential?”

“Yes. Completely confidential. Didn’t you read your NDA? You’re sworn to secrecy.”

“But how can it be confidential to me? I wrote every word. It’s all on my computer.”

“Then you must delete the files immediately. The work undertaken by us in the UK is completely classified. We don’t want it to fall into the wrong hands.”

“The wrong hands? But you’ve just bulk-mailed it to millions of people you’ve never even met. Skint and unreliable people. Not to mention the molluscs.”

“Eh?”

The yankee buggers wouldn’t budge. Which is probably just as well. After all, who wants physical evidence of their role in the world’s most dramatic financial collapse since 1485?*

For a more enlightening piece about the Kafkaesque world of media gagging, read Afua Hirsch in the Guardian.

*Or whenever

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What would you do with free texts for life?

That’s what T-Mobile is asking in its latest campaign. So, what would I do with free texts for life? Well, I suppose I’d, you know, carry on texting people. But without worrying about any possible charges. ‘Cos all the texts would be free. For the rest of my life.

That the right answer?

Well, yes, but it’s hardly the most fun or imaginative. T-Mobile’s agency must have countenanced such a prosaic response from the public, because the ads feature a few alternative suggestions. They’re supposedly provided by Ordinary Members of the Public.

I guess the suggestions are meant to make you stop and think to yourself ‘yeah! Now you come to mention it, I could use my free texts to do something like that! Something specific that I hadn’t previously thought of! And still haven’t, but it’s early days! I have a lifetime to think of an actual purpose for my free texts, something far more defined and ambitious than just texting people! Kyuh.

It’s so easy to criticise. Off we go then

In one of the ads, the reply to the question ‘What would you do with free texts for life?’ is ‘I got everyone together for a picnic by the river. Cancel the table for four.’

You couldve picked some level ground!

You could've picked some level ground!

Awww. Lucky them. Or unlucky them, depending on which restaurant you’d booked and whether or not the rain held off. At least they have the mandatory VW camper van standing by.

(I hope to make the ubiquity of these vehicles in ads the subject of a future blog. Please feel free to refer me to any examples.)

But the answer is hardly in the spirit of the question. Faced with the intoxicating prospect of a lifetime of free texts, all this person could do was arrange baps on a blanket for three mates. Surely that’s something he could have done before this offer came along? He seemed to have managed the restaurant booking all right.

There’s a weird thing going on with the tenses, as well. The question is ‘what would you do?’ Future. We’re asked to hypothesize, to wonder. But the answer given is retrospective. ‘I got everyone together for a picnic by the river.’ Past.

Until, strangely, the ‘Cancel the table for four’ part. Then it’s, ahem, back to the future. So you’ve had the picnic, but you still haven’t cancelled the restaurant? And you with your lifetime of free texts? Shameful.

How did the Beatles, U2 or Oasis ever get their show on the road?

One of the campaign’s other ads is quite fun too. It poses the same question, but this time we can see the respondent delivering his answer to camera, as it were.

Let’s remind ourselves of the question.

Isnt it obvious? Why, Id...

Isn't it obvious? Why, I'd...

This guy’s brainwave is:

He'd text all the musicians he knew and they'd start a superband

There are a couple of things that annoy me about this. (Not greatly, mind you. I’m only doing this to fill in time before The News comes on). One is the assumption that we’ll look at the ad and think, yeah, that’s a bit like me, I know LOADS of musicians, and they’re all waiting for me to arrange them into some sort of superband.

Another is the word superband.

A third is the idea that the only thing…the ONLY thing…that has so far stopped our lad from forming a ‘superband’ is that he didn’t have enough texts left.

It wasn’t the absence of talent or time or ambition or a common musical direction. It was a lack of texts. I find that unbelievable.

Finally, I’m in two minds about the guy in the ad. He looks friendly, honest, open and non-threatening. But then I blink and suddenly he looks like a cardie-contained mixture of the unutterably gormless and the insufferably smug.

Right, The News is about to start. See you anon.

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It’s not about you. It’s about us.

As a rookie copywriter, I would show my work to the CD and he would often say “It’s OK, rookie copywriter, but it needs more yous in it.”

The received wisdom at the time was that the frequent use of ‘you’ would help convince the reader that what they were reading was actually about them; that the advertiser had their needs and interests at heart.

Now it’s all us us us

There seems to have been a bit of a shift in recent years, away from ‘what can we do for YOU?’ to ‘This is us. OK?’.

The first use of this I came across was Macmillan, the charity that supports people living with cancer.

Any problems with that?

It’s bold. It’s friendly. It’s green. Mostly, it’s giving a personality to a previously stuffy-sounding charity. Written out in full it would say “We do everything from changing your sheets to lobbying the government. We do this for you because we are Macmillan and it’s what we do.”

Good line. We’ll take it

But what’s this? It seems we are no longer just Macmillan. We are now some wine company, too.

There’s less of the sense of the friendly greeting in Blason’s line. It’s a bit more shouty. Written out in full it would be: “Pissed, are you? Grinning like a frog? That’s down to us, that is. We made you that way. We are nice to drink. We are addictive. WE ARE BLASON! GRRR!”

Incidentally, notice how both Blason and Macmillan have full points after their names? Bad practice, according to long-dead ad guru David Ogilvy. And surprising in Macmillan’s case. Their logo was created by a design agency, and design agencies are generally virulently opposed to punctuation.

That’s another blog, though.

We’re all it it

The age-old bank (and before that, building society) Abbey (and before that, Abbey National) has recently changed its name to Santander. Just why is far too dull to go into, and in any case I don’t know, but they too have gone down the ‘we are’ route for their new brand:

Are you? I’m so happy for you.

Nothing about what we can expect from this new company, with their dual typefaces and mystifying logo. The Macmillan friendliness is completely absent. If anything, ‘We are Santander’ sounds a bit table-thumping.

We are not just soaps and quizzes. Honest

Next up is ITV1, who evidently are now football united.

Of course you are, dearie

They have some screen idents that explain this claim in more detail. Next time it’s on I’ll pay more attention, but it looks like it means ITV1 will show some of this season’s Champions League matches. Bully for them.

We are not Stoke Poges

Apparently, we they are a ‘leading usability research, interactive design and accessibility agency, with strategic consultancy expertise and training services’. Nothing very Londony about that. Anyone quizzing them for the name of the best sushi bar in Shoreditch is probably better off looking elsewhere.

News just in! ‘We are London’ has a rival. I know who my money’s on:

Are we not men? Definitely not. We are photogirls.

A new addition to the list: The Woodland Trust. As to why their agency felt that a big logo wasn’t enough to tell readers the name of the advertiser we can only guess. And why they allowed that yellow blob to undermine the tree idea is another mystery. I’m also stuck on the random brackets. But anyway. We are…

 

And on to the rest:

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-10 at 12.41.51

Perhaps the worst rebranding ever.

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Dubious advertising claims…or *are* they?

Try putting it out. Go on.

Try putting it out. Go on.

I thought this was a ludicrous thing to say the first time I read it. Come come, surely you cannot expect us to believe that this charcoal will never go out? What, ever? What if I deprive it off oxygen? Inundate it with water?

Then I realised that there’s a big difference between going out and burning out. So it’s not as absurd a claim as I first thought. And me a copywriter. Tsk. Although you could be picky and ask what kind of crap charcoal it is that does go out.

Specially formulated for washing-up that just goes on and on.

Specially formulated for washing-up that just goes on and on.

This is more like it. Fairy Liquid is historically supposed to last longer than all of its rivals, but the makers of this washing-up liquid, found in our Greek villa, clearly want to muscle in to the top of the ‘longest lasting’ spot and stay there.

Of course, the Greek writing around the logo may contain a sneaky caveat. It may read ‘Just because it’s called ENDLESS doesn’t mean it won’t run out at some point’.

It reminds me of the song Shirt by the marvellous Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. At 3:47 you hear Vivienne Stanshall saying ‘Good morning, can I have this shirt cleaned express, please?’ The lady shopkeeper (played by Neil Innes?) says ‘That’ll be three weeks, dearie.’ An exasperated Stanshall says ‘Three weeks? But the sign outside says 59-Minute Cleaning!’ Then comes the most beautiful, argument-settling response in the history of customer complaints. ‘Yes, that’s just the name of the shop, love.’

So they could call it Endless and justify the name on the grounds that it’s just a name. After all, who takes the name Fairy Liquid literally?

Postscript: There being no dishwasher at the villa, it was a close call as to whether the washing-up liquid would last as long as our holiday. But on the penultimate day, the maid partly replenished the bottle from an enormous tank of the stuff kept under the sink. So technically it turned out to be endless after all. Not that I spent my holiday obsessing about washing-up liquid…

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Tossed by a giant hair dryer

Have you ever been skydiving? Me neither. But now I’ve done the next best thing and even have the certificate to prove it.

Last Sunday the BNM family went to Airkix in Milton Keynes, one of only two indoor skydiving venues in the country.

The elegant and reassuring exterior of the Airkix indoor skydiving centre

The elegant and reassuring exterior of the Airkix indoor skydiving centre

Using air that’s funnelled upwards through a vertical wind tunnel at speeds of around 150mph, the idea is that you experience all the exhilaration of unlimited freefall, without needing to jump from a plane and risk getting your parachute entangled in the aircraft’s undercarriage.

Or it failing to open, the reserve ‘chute failing too, and you hit the ground, eyes clamped shut and dry voice screaming, at terminal velocity.

Or, it does open but you fail to control it properly and you land in a swamp or on a busy motorway. Or a freak gust of wind blows you onto electricity cables or into the spinning rotors of a helicopter about to take off.

These thoughts were in all our minds as we set off for a fun family outing.

Clouds, very much of the sort we wouldnt be plummeting through. Image courtesy FreeFoto.com

Clouds of the sort we wouldn't be plummeting through. Image courtesy FreeFoto.com

Soft landing

But any such thoughts were dispelled as soon as we arrived at Airkix , where the emphasis is very much on safety first. (This clearly being preferable to scrape up the remains later.)

We sat through a training video and then listened intently as our instructor took us through the various hand signals he’d use during our flight, vocal instructions being impossible due to the noise.

They seemed straightforward enough. A bent middle and index finger means ‘bend your legs’. He straightens his fingers; you straighten your legs. Fingers apart means spread your legs. Thumb and pinky extended means relax. There were a few more.

Got all that? We smiled and nodded and trooped off to be fitted with helmet, goggles and appropriately named jumpsuits.

Hang on...I thought I googled goggles

Ooops...I thought I googled goggles

Mrs BNM leaned in to the wind tunnel first and was instantly airborne. The instructor made sure she didn’t zoom off into the seemingly endless void overhead or flounder about on the mesh floor, but otherwise she seemed pretty much in control. The rest of us – there were nine people booked for the 1pm flight – clapped enthusiastically on her return to terra firma. My go!

Terra terror

I stood at the opening to the wind tunnel and fell forwards into the hurricane.

Instantly the instructor appeared at my face and jabbed his finger manically upwards. Of course! I was facing down. Typical newbie error.

I quickly readjusted my posture so that I looked directly ahead. That better? Evidently not.

The instructor stood before me, alternately shaking and nodding his head and making exaggerated facial movements, mouthing what looked like “Ooooooo-waaaaaaaa!” and then “Reeeeee!”. Eh? I looked at his hands for elucidation, but he seemed to be doing all of the finger signals simultaneously. It was like watching someone trying to get a glove puppet to breakdance in the nude.

Airborne epileptic event

So I straightened my legs, bent my arms, outstretched my knees, looked up, splayed my fingers, bent one leg, looked up a bit more, crashed into a wall, arched my back, span around, lowered my hips and cupped my hands, all the while attempting to maintain the joyful smile that he said was crucial for the onlookers and the video.

After a minute and a half, I found myself standing up and with a ringing in my ears that turned out to be dutiful clapping. It was over. For now.

What goes up must stay up until we say otherwise

Did I mention you get two goes? You do. With scarcely enough time for my jowls to resume their customary downward-hanging position, I was back in the hurricane again.

I felt as if I hadn’t properly taken on board the lessons learned from my previous session. The instructor must have sensed this, as my freefall – in real skydiving it would have been known as death plunge – was restricted to a few seconds of uncontrolled chaos.

After that he grabbed my wrist and ankle, leapt from the floor and together we span around and raced up, up and up into the dark, cold, windowless steel funnel. Then we plummeted downwards, stopping just short of the flimsy steel mesh and, just for laughs, did the same thing again. Then once more, this time with me flying backwards for that added element of surprise.

OK, skyboy, where’s my certificate?

And then it really was over. With shaking hands we climbed out of our jumpsuits, removed the goggles and rearranged our faces.

On the way out we picked up our official Airkix certificates, which had tick boxes on them saying things like ‘Could ascend and descend unaided’. In an act of unbridled generosity, our instructor ticked six or seven achievements that I certainly don’t remember doing, when all that was really needed was a big tick next to the box that said ‘Has all the natural aptitude for skydiving as a grapefruit’. But don’t tell anyone.

If you fancy having a go yourself, Airkix are in fact lovely people, the experience is pretty remarkable and Milton Keynes is easy to get out of 😉

Me ascending. Or descending. Or maybe a rare moment of serene motionless.

Me ascending. Or descending. Or maybe a rare moment of serene motionless.

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Norwich Union has become…Prudential?

After what seems like months of telling us that Norwich Union is renaming itself Aviva, the company has at last come out with its first stand-alone advertising campaign.

Gone are all references to Norwich Union. Instead, the company seems to be referencing a highly successful poster campaign from another financial services company. Unintentional, I’m sure. The Prudential campaign dates from the 1990s, so no one working in advertising now would have been alive to see it.

An ad from Avivas new poster campaign

An ad from Aviva's new poster campaign

An ad from Prudentials old poster campaign

An ad from Prudential's old poster campaign. Pic courtesy advertisingarchives.co.uk

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EV does it

On Friday evening Mrs BNM and I had the pleasure of meeting up with our old friends Celia and Ian at EV near Waterloo. I’d heard good things about EV from the people on kudocities, but the closest I’d ever been to eating there was when I once stood outside it on my way home from work. So not very close at all. Let’s face it, you don’t get to truly enjoy a meal, much less appreciate each course’s subtle nuances, merely by loitering in the general area.

Image courtesy London SE1 community website

Image courtesy London SE1 community website

EV is a Turkish restaurant situated in a small street that seems to be full of nothing but EV-branded shops. There’s an EV bar and an EV food store as well as the EV restaurant, all facing on to the same street that should probably be renamed EV Avenue. It’s difficult to invoke the exotic ambience of Turkey in London SE1, and to be fair the owners haven’t really tried. Instead they have created a terrific drinking / eating / wholefood-buying area, with loads of tables set outside amongst a forest of pot plants. It’s all very relaxed and unpretentious.

EV is a member of the TAS group of restaurants and the place is reviewed on a local website here. The food was delicious, as Turkish food often is. I recommend the lamb from the very reasonably-priced set menu.

Warning. Soft sell ahead

The rockface tombs at Dalyan.

The rockface tombs at Dalyan.

Anyway, eating Turkish cuisine was appropriate as Celia and Ian are now property owners over there. They’ve bought a tw0-bedroomed apartment in Dalyan, a small-ish town famous for its Roman rock tombs, a reed-banked river (where parts of The African Queen were filmed) and, a short boat trip away, an absolutely stunning beach.

If you gauge holiday resorts using the football shirt index, Dalyan scores an acceptable 7:100. So for every hundred British men you see in the town, only about seven of them will be wearing shirts bearing the name of their favourite football player. Plus they’ll have brand new trainers in order to comply with some kind of holiday law.

If you’re interested in a holiday in Dalyan our friends’ apartment sounds ideal. You can check out the details and availability here. We’d be going back ourselves but we’ve been twice now and it’s a big planet with plenty of other places to visit. So you have a go. Go on.

Some photos from previous Dalyan trips

We spent a week island-hopping on board this impressive gulet back in 2007

We spent a week island-hopping on board this impressive gulet back in 2007

Our hotel pool. Not Celia and Ians. Theirs doesnt have a mushroom thing in it.

Our hotel pool. Not Celia and Ian's. Theirs doesn't have a mushroom thing in it.

Mmm.Perhaps we can go back just one more time...

Mmm.Perhaps we can go back just one more time...

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